Should Kneecap and Bob Vylan Be Sent To The Gallows?

Good evening, I’m Completely Empty BBC Presenter. We are here to debate whether Kneecap and Bob Vylan should be sent to the gallows, on one side, we have Barry Constantbladder, who supports the mass slaughter of the Palestinian people and wishes Kneecap and Bob Vylan to be sent to the gallows, on the other side we have David Saddleblanket, who also supports the mass slaughter of the Palestinian people but thinks sending Kneecap and Bob Vylan to the gallows would be going slightly too far, but only slightly. Barry, I’ll ask you first, why do you think Kneecap and Bob Vylan should be sent to the gallows?

BC: Well first of all, thank you for having me on, Completely Empty BBC Presenter, and first, let me affirm my commitment to the mass slaughter of the people of Palestine. I think if we allow these, gangster rap artists, I think that’s the lingo, to use this kind of inflammatory rhetoric, where does it end? Will robbery, murder, genocide even, be the result if we don’t clamp down on this kind of language?

CEBP: Well Barry, I should point out that a bunch of mad extremists regard the mass slaughter of the Palestinians as a genocide. So they might say, how can you complain about the mere hypothetical and unsubstantiated idea that Kneecap’s music might lead to genocide while ignoring a genuine genocide? Just to be clear I’m playing devil’s advocate, and wish to reaffirm that I do not regard the mass slaughter of the people of Gaza as a genocide.

BC: Of course Completely Empty BBC presenter, what is happening in Gaza is not a genocide, but even if it were, it would not be as bad as the mere possibility of white people, oh bother I meant to say European people, I mean, correct people being genocided.

CEBP: Over to you David, why do you believe these artists SHOULDN’T face the gallows?

DS: Thank you Completely Empty BBC presenter, and I just wanted to affirm my commitment to the mass slaughter of the people of Palestine which isn’t a genocide and even if it were it would be a justified one. I believe Kneecap and Bob Vylan shouldn’t face the gallows because Britain no longer has any gallows, and if these, grimecore artists, yes I think that’s the lingo, were to get the gallows, somebody would have to build the gallows, and who’s going to pay for it?

CEBP: Some very valid points about the costs involved. Barry how would you respond?

BC: Well, I’m afraid to say I find David’s points to be very ill informed. If killing people is so expensive, how did Israel afford to kill so many people in Gaza? If Israel can kill at least fifty thousand people, then surely it shouldn’t be too difficult for the British state to kill five industrial trapcore artists, yes I think that’s the lingo.

CEBP: Excellent point there, perhaps Britain needs to aspire to kill as many of its own citizens as Israel has killed in Gaza. What is your response David?

DS: I just think it’s possible to support the necessary murders being committed by Israel without killing our own citizens, even if they are disobedient crunkcore artists, yes I think that’s the lingo.”

CEBP: Excellent points, but now I’d like to ask you both, what would your position be if Nigel Farage came out in support of killing the members of Kneecap and Bob Vylan? You first Barry.

BC: If Nigel Farage supported killing Kneecap and Bob Vylan, I think we would have to support killing every grindcore gangsta trap artist in Britain, yes I think that’s the lingo.

CEBP: Excellent point, what about you David?

DS: I think it’s important to take a balanced and nuanced view on the extent to which we copy what Nigel Farage does.

CEBP: Okay, I’m completely empty and even I can acknowledge that that doesn’t make any sense. Now on a lighter point, do either of you listen to Kneecap and Bob Vylan’s music? You first Barry.

BC: Look, I’ll be the first to acknowledge that Guilty Conscience, “goes hard”, as the young people say, and that Hunger Games goes equally hard. This isn’t an objection to the musical output of these artists. In fact, you might not believe this, but when I was younger I attended many a Kneecap concert.

CEPB: When you were younger? They’ve only been around since 2017, and you’re sixty.

BC: Okay, okay, my point is, the music of these two fine bands, as bitchin, as the young people say, as it is, goes against the interests of both Britain and Israel, so I think both of these bands need to be sent to the gallows.

CEBP: Okay, what do you think David?

DS: I couldn’t disagree with Barry any more I’m afraid.

CEPB: Okay, could you elaborate?

DS: Guilty Conscience and Hunger Games are alright, but if you want a Kneecap song that really, slaps, as the young people say, you need Fine Art in your life. In terms of Bob Vylan, I feel you need to play “He’s A Man” on repeat if you want to live a life well lived.

CEPB: This is all very interesting, do either of you see any contradiction in the fact that you support the mass slaughter of the Palestinian people, and seem to be big fans of bands who are very much opposed to that? Especially you Barry, who is literally calling for their execution.

BC and DS: Paul Ryan is a Rage Against The Machine fan.

CEPB: Okay, maybe that kind of explains it, or maybe it doesn’t, I don’t even know any more. And, I’m afraid that’s all we’ll be broadcasting today, for merely entertaining the idea that Kneecap and Bob Vylan shouldn’t receive the death penalty, Israel has accused us of being anti-Semitic. So, I’ll be on my way to issue a grovelling apology to the Israeli embassy. I’m Completely Empty BBC Presenter, goodnight.