Do You Condemn Jens-Frederik Nielsen?

Good day to you, I’m completely Empty BBC Presenter. Now, this will be a very unusual episode, because while it is 8th January 2026 where you are, this broadcast is actually taking place 2 months in the future, on 8th March 2026. Perhaps it’s down to wormholes or Higgs bosons or something, but our boffins are hard at work to make a bit of sense of this frightful anomaly!

This morning, the world celebrated as awful dictator Jens-Fredereick Neilsen, Prime Minister of Greenland, was finally removed from power. President Donald Trump has been promising to remove this serial human rights abuser for quite some time, and just this morning, Trump delivered on his promise. To discuss this matter today, we have Jonathan Boatsquier.

JB: A pleasure to be here.

CEBP: And, I apologize in advance for this, but my hands are tied because of BBC rules on impartiality, to give us some insane leftist drivel about why the liberation of Greenland was “racist” or “homophobic” or some other woke nonsense, we have, some sort of vegan with some sort of pronouns.

SSOVWSSOP: You know my name is Jill, you could just call me that.

CEBP: Hush up. You should just be glad to be allowed to give your weird leftist rant in a prestigious, world renowned organization like the BBC, and you’re not going to intimidate me into using your weird woke pronouns.

SSOVWSSOP: I’m not even talking about pronouns, my name is Jill you fucking idiot!

CEBP: Well, somebody got up on the wrong side of bed this morning, it looks like I’ll have to spend a lot of time putting you on mute!

SSOVWSSOP: Will that even work since I’m in the studio with you?

CEBP: I don’t know actually, you there, BBC worker, can we mute a guest who’s present in the studio?

BBC Worker: No idea.

CEBP: Alright then, we’ll just have to hope this neurotic leftist plays nice during the interview I suppose. So we’ll start with you Jonathan. Why do you feel that Donald Trump’s liberation of Greenland was justified, despite that some, non-binary woke tree huggers think it was wrong?

JB: Well, the simple fact of the matter is that Jens-Frederick Nielsen has a well documented history of committing horrendous human rights abuses.

CEBP: Could you give me an example.

JB: Well, there was the shocking incident on February 13th, 1995, when he attacked a child.

CEBP: To be clear, you said February 13th, 1995?

JB: Yes

CEBP: When Mr Nielsen was 4 years old?

JB: Yes

CEBP: So your argument is that, Mr Nielsen is a depraved monster, because, when he was four years old, he hit another child?

JB: Yes

CEBP: Okay, just a moment, BBC Worker, could you come in a moment please?

BBC Worker: What is it?

CEBP: My, conditioning is failing, could you give me the injection that makes me fall into line?

BBC Worker: Here you go, you should now be capable of believing any nonsense no matter how beyond absurd.

CEBP: Okay, that’s better. Jonathan, I’d just like to congratulate you on making the completely beautiful and irrefutable argument you just made. And now you, Marxist anarchist tree hugger, do you condemn Jens-Frederick Nielsen?

SSOVWSSOP: Eh, what?

CEBP: It’s a simple question, do you condemn Jens-Frederick Nielsen?

SSOVWSSOP: Asking do I condemn Jens-Frederick Nielsen is a ridiculous tactic that I’m not going to fall for. The idea that you have to condemn Mr Nielsen in order to be allowed to discuss the future of Greenland and its people is beyond absurd. No, I don’t condemn Prime Minister Nielsen, the rightful, democratically elected leader of Greenland. But you better believe I condemn Trump, for simply taking over any country he wishes, with no regard for anyone, or anything, but himself.

CEBP: BBC Worker, could you come in here again please?

BBC Worker: What is it?

CEBP: Could you give me another injection?

BBC Worker: You can only have one injection every hour, you know that.

CEBP: I know, but I found Jill’s argument very convincing, I need this.

BBC Worker: Alright, but don’t blame me if you’re sick tomorrow.

CEBP: Well, wasn’t that a terrible and completely nonsensical argument from this awful shunner of baths. Jonathan, perhaps you could restore some sanity, do you believe the people of Greenland have a positive future now that Donald Trump has rescued them from serial human rights abuser Jens-Frederick Nielsen?

JB: Indeed, there’s already strong evidence that the people of Greenland are already prospering and experiencing untold levels of wealth, not 3 and a half hours after Donald Trump removed Nielsen from power.

CEBP: Interesting, what do you base that on?

JB: Well, if you have a look at the video that was recently posted to Truth Social, you’ll see that already the people of Greenland have wealth beyond their wildest dreams.

CEBP: Interesting, let’s watch the video.

JB: So as you can see, there is now money raining from the sky, the Greenland ice sheet is now made of money, and as you can see also, even the penguins now have a lot of money, and also there’s a lot of gold statues of Trump.

SSOVWSSOP: Are you two seriously going to be taken in by this?

JB: How could you not be convinced by this, or are you just angry that the people of Greenland are finally enjoying untold levels of wealth?

SSOVWSSOP: This is obviously just an AI generated video, you’re seriously going to use this latest AI video in the same vein as the infamous Trump-Gaza video as evidence for your point?

JB: I don’t understand, it all looks fairly convincing to me.

SSOVWSSOP: Well firstly, there’s the fact that according to this video, somehow gold statues of Trump were erected all over Greenland in a matter of hours, secondly, Greenland doesn’t even have penguins, and thirdly, everyone in this video has three arms!

JB: Well, that’s easily explained, under Trump’s reign, the people of Greenland are now so healthy, that they’ve grown a 3rd arm.

CEBP: Sorry Jonathan, I think Jill may be right about this one. BBC Worker, could you come in here please?

BBC Worker: I am NOT giving you a 3rd injection.

CEBP: Look, I know it’s against protocol, but you can see the tough spot I’m in, for the love of God I’ve been shown an AI video where everyone has 3 arms.

BBC Worker: Look man, you’ll just have to keep it together! I could lose my job if I give you 3 injections in such a short space of time!

CEBP: I’ll take full responsibility for it. Now please, I’m begging you, just one more injection please!

BBC Worker: Alright, but at this rate don’t be surprised if YOU end up with 3 arms.

CEBP: Thank you Jonathan for bringing this excellent video to our attention, it accurately depicts Greenland having penguins, and quite amazing how everyone in Greenland now has 3 arms, something for the boffins to ponder on for a good span of time I’m sure. Now, insane Trotskyist shunner of showering, perhaps if I wasn’t so full of chemicals of questionable safety designed to switch off my critical thinking skills, I can somewhat understand your apprehension around Trump’s acquiring of Greenland.

SSOVWSSOP: Acquiring?

CEBP: Yes acquiring, Trump acquired Greenland, that’s what happened. But surely even you, with your mad leftist gender fluid brain, has to concede that some of Trump’s recent restructurings of other states have been positive. Surely even you with your complete unshoweredness can see that the removal of Maduro was a good thing?

SSOVWSSOP: Firstly, I’m finding your constant references to my appearance and hygiene to be completely disgusting and misogynistic.

JB: Oh everything’s misogynist these days. You can’t even tell your wife who to vote for any more without the politically correct hordes calling for your blood!

CEBP: Okay, moving on swiftly from that, leftist, had you more to say?

SSOVWSSOP: Trump has said repeatedly that his interest in Venezuela is because they have oil, any talk about Maduro’s human rights record is just window dressing.

CEBP: I’ll grant that Trump is interested in the oil sure, but surely his other reason is that he wanted to see a liberated Venezuela free from Maduro’s oppression, surely that’s at least part of the reason?

SSOVWSSOP: For more than two years, we’ve seen a live streamed genocide in Gaza. People starving to death, child amputations, bombings, shootings, the crying, the screaming, and did Trump remove Nehenyahu from power? No, of course he didn’t, because Trump only cares about one person, Trump. The removal of Maduro from power has nothing to do with human rights abuses, just like the removal of Nielsen has nothing to do with it.

CEBP: BBC Worker, could you come in here please?

BBC Worker: Look man, you’ll just have to push through, cos…

CEBP: GIVE ME THE GODDAMN INJECTION!

BBC Worker: Okay, okay!

CEBP: So, given Trump’s brilliance, and given Nehenyahu’s brilliance, brilliance, brilliance, brilliance.

JB: Em, he doesn’t look too good.

BBC Worker: I think he’s going to explode, we need to go.

CEBP: Brilliance, brilliance, brilliance, brill, brill,Br,Br,Br,Br,Br,Br,Br

SSOVWSSOP: Should we help him?

BBC Worker: When I said he was about to explode I wasn’t being figurative, we need to leave, NOW!!!!!

2 Hours Later…………

Good afternoon, I’m Completely Empty BBC Presenter. I’m a different Completely Empty BBC Presenter, because the previous Completely Empty BBC Presenter exploded under very unfortunate circumstances. Fortunately everyone was evacuated in time, but there was quite substantial damage to our studios that should take a few weeks to repair, but don’t worry, normal programming shouldn’t be disrupted in any way.

Today, we at the BBC learned a valuable lesson. We learned that spreading lies, misinformation, and falsehoods to the general public, is extremely dangerous. Why, the life of a poor Completely Empty BBC presenter was taken today, and if the evacuation hadn’t gone quicker, many more innocent people would have lost their lives. So, an important lesson was learned today, telling lies is not just poor conduct, it is extremely dangerous.

SSOVWSSOP: So you’re going to stop doing it then?

CEBP: Excuse me?

SSOVWSSOP: Now that you’ve learned that lying is extremely dangerous, are you going to stop doing it?

CEBP: No, I’m afraid you completely misunderstand. We have just learned that it’s extremely dangerous, that’s all. We’re not actually going to stop doing it. But do join us tomorrow, where we discuss, How Do We Justify Trump’s Planned Invasion Of The Isle Of Man? I’m Completely Empty BBC Presenter, good day.