Good Afternoon, I’m Completely Empty BBC Presenter, coming to you live from the town of Forecastle-Upon-Gooseberry-Hill. To my left you will see what appears to be a hospital burning to the ground, its inhabitants trapped, with little if any hope of survival unless somebody does something. And, like any sane, sensible, and moral person, I was just about to reach for my phone and ring the fire brigade so that they could deal with this ghastly blaze. But then something happened that made me cast doubt on whether or not this fire is real, or is it merely an illusion.
Please help us, for the love of God please help us!
Excuse me young man, I am a very important BBC presenter, and your interruption is interfering with my extremely important and award winning work. Honestly I’ve met Welsh people who have more civility than you, it’s extremely disappointing. Now have some manners while I conduct this extremely intellectual and thought provoking discussion!
Anyway, before I was so viciously interrupted, I was saying that something happened that made me wonder if the fire is real, or if it is merely imaginary. And that is, an orange man, an orange man from America to be specific, told me that the fire has already ceased. For reasons that are very difficult to explain, I feel inclined to believe this orange man. My eyes are seeing the flames consuming the hospital, and my ears are hearing the desperate screams of those inside.
For Christ’s sake please help us!
Oh really that is extremely rude! I’ve encountered cattle that have more grace and manners! Anyway, despite what my eyes and ears are telling me, somehow, it feels like I should disregard my own sensory information, because of what the orange man has said. But, we have two guests to discuss this puzzling matter. Coming live to you from a boat, she’s always on a boat that one, we have Young Screechy Autistic Woman From Denmark, who will have to be kept on mute for much of the discussion because of how troublesome she is. She’s here to argue that we should believe what our eyes and ears are telling us. And, to argue that we shouldn’t believe what our eyes and ears are telling us, we have, and I feel very fortunate to get the perspective of this man, Ian Derbyshire Fordingtoncastle. Now Ian, your connection with this fire is actually very personal, could you explain to the audience why?
IDF: I’m the one that started it.
CEBP: Amazing. Who better to offer us a perspective on the reality of this fire, than the one who started it? This is the kind of interview I’ve wished for for years. So, to kick this discussion off, we’ll start with you Young Screechy Autistic Woman From Denmark, why do you believe that we should trust our eyes and ears when they tell us that a large number of innocent people are being killed horribly by a fire?
YSAWFD: What are you waiting for, ring the fire brigade, NOW!!!!!
CEPB: You see Screechy Autistic Woman, this is why I’m so reluctant to have you on my show. I literally gave you the first word, ahead of the arsonist who started this fire no less, and instead of bringing anything of substance you just start shouting at me like a feeble-minded twit. I’m going to mute you for now, and hopefully you can display more manners later. And now Ian, I’m very interested in your perspective because of your first hand experience with this fire. But I must say Ian, it really looks like the fire is still blazing, and it certainly sounds like I can hear the screams of those trapped inside. So why do you argue that we should disbelieve what our eyes and ears are telling us?
IDF: Look, I understand how it might look like the fire is still going. And I’m not even saying it’s not the case that there isn’t a small amount of fire that is still burning in certain parts of the hospital. But I assure you, those smaller fires were caused by the people who are in the hospital.
CEPB: Interesting, so the fire is being kept going by people who are already in the hospital?
IDF: Yes, in fact they’re the reason I had to start the fire in the first place.
CEBP: Fascinating point, you know, many of the uneducated rabble out there are inclined towards an instant dislike towards arsonists such as yourself, but you know, talking to you now, I find you to be a very reasonable, thoughtful, and a very polite young man. I wish more people would listen to your perspective.
IDF: Yes it’s been… (sobs)
CEBP: Are you okay, do you need a break?
IDF: No, I’m fine thank you, my life has been very difficult since I went into that hospital carrying a can of petrol and a box of matches. After you’ve done something like that, nobody wants to give you the benefit of the doubt, do you know what I mean? (More sobbing)
CEBP: It’s shameful how nobody wants to listen to your side of the story. Oh, they’ll listen to a genderfluid person with a shaved head and seventeen nostril piercings every day of the week, but a sweet, kind man like yourself, they’ll never listen to your perspective. It’s shameful how ignorant and narrow minded people can be.
IDF: Thank you, thank you, that means a lot.
CEBP: And now, we’re going to try, with an emphasis on try, to talk to Screechy Autistic Woman again. And I warn you, bring something of substance to this discussion or you’re going back on mute! Why do you think we should trust our eyes and ears, despite what the orange man has said?
YSAWFD: How come you believe the orange man when he says the fire has ceased, but you won’t believe the words of the people in the hospital when they tell you the fire is still burning?
Person in hospital: Please, we don’t have much time!
CEBP: But that’s preposterous, why would the orange man say the fire has ceased if it’s not true.
YSAWFD: Why would the people in the hospital say the fire is still going if it’s not true?
IDF: Don’t believe a word from those people in the hospital. It’s because of their utterly depraved actions that I had no choice but to start the fire in the first place. Why should you believe such utter barbarians when they say the fire is still going?
YSAWFD: Why is it that you take the word of some orange man, and, of all people, the guy who started the fire, over the people who are the victims of the fire?
CEBP: But, the orange man said, and IDF said, I MUST BELIEVE, I MUST BELIEVE, I MUST BELIEVE!!!!!!! (Completely Empty BBC Presenter Explodes violently)
IDF: Oh my God, this is disgusting, this is horrible, AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
YSAWFD: Well, what were you expecting? You, along with the orange man, tried to get Completely Empty BBC Presenter to disbelieve what his own eyes and ears were telling him. The contradiction caused him to violently explode. And that’s why you’re now covered in blood, and intestines, and, I think, that’s a bit of brain I see, on your right shoulder?
IDF: Oh God, it’s… AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Extremely Apologetic BBC Employee: I must apologize a thousand times over to you, Mr Fordingtoncastle, and to our audience. The, creative interpretations of the truth, that Completely Empty BBC Presenter was forced to absorb, caused a paradox that he was simply unable to process, hence this, ghastly explosion.
IDF: This is completely unacceptable! I should sue! I should sue right now!
EABE: I am deeply sorry Mr Fordingtoncastle. I’m deeply embarrassed by this whole sorry affair, and I’m worried that arsonists like yourself will be reluctant to be a part of our fine BBC programming after this debacle. But rest assured we’re working on resolving this issue so that nothing like this ever happens again. We recently grew a state of the art Completely Empty BBC Presenter who was able to repeat the phrase, “Keir Starmer is both moral and likeable” thirty times in succession before exploding. Our scientists are working day and night to resolve this issue. Screechy Autistic Woman, I’m sorry your time has also been wasted by this embarrassing mistake.
YSAWFD: Okay, could you do something for me?
EABE: Sure, anything, absolutely!
YSAWFD: Could you ring a fire brigade to put out the hospital fire?
EABE: No, I’m afraid I can’t do that.
YSAWFD: Oh for fuck sake!
EABE: Once again to those at home, I’m very sorry that your usual programming has been interrupted by this sorry business.
IDF: Oh God, there’s a bit of spleen in my eye!
EABE: But rest assured there’ll be a new Completely Empty BBC Presenter ready for tomorrow night’s show, which will be entitled, How, Exactly, Do We Live With Ourselves? I’m Extremely Apologetic BBC Employee, good day.
Ponderings Of An Autist 