Should We Take Action To Save This Drowning Man?

Good afternoon, I’m Completely Empty BBC Presenter, coming to you live from the seaside village of Stokesly-Upon-Tyne-Berry-South-Livercastle. And today the show is a little bit different, but I hope you’ll enjoy it. Let me explain. An argument between two locals has erupted, which resulted in one pushing the other into the water. The man who has fallen into the water looks to be having great difficulty, and we expect he will drown quite soon if immediate assistance isn’t given. So the matter we are discussing today is, should we take action to save this drowning man?

So, to discuss this matter……

“Help me, for the love of God help me! I can’t swim!”

“Sir, please be quiet, we are having a discussion about whether or not it would be right to rescue you, and your shouting is quite the distraction. Did your parents teach you manners or was it the case that your father was a bricklayer and your mother a prostitute? Furiously bad manners. Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was going to say, to argue that this man shouldn’t be rescued, we have Charles Spleencastle Raddishrubber, and to argue that he should be rescued, we have, coming to you live from Denmark, a young screechy autistic woman. And we have to keep her on mute until it’s her turn to talk because of all the screeching

“So, Charles, we’ll start with you, why do you reckon we shouldn’t take action to rescue this man?”

“Well, I thought it would be obvious by now why we shouldn’t intervene in this matter, but I despair at having to explain it again. The gentleman who pushed the man was wearing a white t-shirt, so rescuing his victim would be an act of discrimination against people who wear white t-shirts. To rescue this man would quite clearly be anti-white t-shirtist.

CEBP: A stunning and thought provoking point, anti-white t-shirt bigotry is completely unacceptable and we at the BBC will never stand for such barbarity. And now over to you Young Screechy Autistic Woman from Denmark, why do you think this man SHOULD be rescued. I’m quite interested to hear your point of view.

YSAWD: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR, PULL THAT MAN OUT OF THE WATER NOW!!!!!

CEBP: Ouch that hurts my ears! Autistic women are the worst aren’t they?

CSR: Careful, you’ll be cancelled for “misogyny” and “ableism”. My goodness, you can’t say anything these days!

YSAWD: Please, if you don’t want to take any risks, fine, but just throw the lifebuoy into the water, and then ring the emergency services, that’s all you have to do. I’m begging you, just save a human life while there’s still time!

CEBP: Screechy Autistic Woman, I must say you have some nerve! We are having a debate, a spirited debate, much like the ancient Greeks, about whether or not this man should be rescued, and here you are, demanding that we just do what you want to do without even concluding the debate! That is bullying behaviour Screechy Autistic Woman, and I’ll have NONE of it.

CSR: Look, Screechy Autistic Woman, it’s not like I’m not willing to entertain the possibility of rescuing this man who is drowning, but, how do we know that this man in the water doesn’t have a bunch of hostages?

YSAWD: WHAT!!!!

CEBP: Yes, that’s a very important point, you’re all for rescuing this man, but you haven’t even stopped to consider whether he has 100 hostages, 1000 hostages, or perhaps, 18 billion hostages. So surely we need to figure out first if he has hostages, and if so is he willing to give them back, before we even consider pulling him out of the water?

CSR: That’s a fair point I reckon.

CEBP: So I’m going to be fair to this man and ask him. Excuse me drowning man, do you have 18 billion hostages, and if you do, are you willing to give them back?

Drowning Man: I don’t even understand what you’re saying! Please, for the love of God, just pull me out of the water!

CEBP: Oh he seems very reluctant to talk about the hostage situation, I reckon he’s got 30 billion hostages at least.

CSR: Agreed

CEBP: Now, onto my next point. The drowning man seems to be, on the point of death. And I can see a lot of people approaching, who are probably intent on rescuing him. Do you think the time has come to criminalize people for attempting to rescue this man?

CSR: Absolutely, we’re long past time for that, talking about anti-white t-shirt bigotry and hostages just doesn’t seem to work as well as it used to. So I think, we need to proscribe these people who are about to effect a rescue as terrorists.

CEBP: Couldn’t agree more. What about you Screechy Autistic Woman, I take it you have a contrary opinion?

YSAWD: If I was there, I’d be rescuing him myself.

CEBP: It’s funny Screechy Autistic Woman, if you wished to rescue someone other than this particular man, I would find it, very brave and admirable. But, because you want to rescue this particular man, I find you to be obnoxious and nauseating.

CSR: Yes, it’s funny how we all think about things isn’t it.

CEBP: Well, it looks like the whole point has been rendered moot, because the man in the water, looks to have died. But this was a very spirited and enlightening debate we had today, we raised valuable concerns about the discrimination against people in white t-shirts, we speculated on whether or not our recently deceased friend had 30 billion hostages, and we asked the really valuable question, should people who try to rescue him be regarded as terrorists. So, maybe he should have died or maybe he should have been saved, but the important thing is, we had a really intellectual and civilized discussion about it.

CSR: I really enjoyed this discussion.

CEBP: And, Screechy Autistic Woman, I’d just like to say, that despite our differences in opinion, I really respect you, you’re a very brave young woman, I think it’s adorable how your weird disability causes you to prattle on about insane left wing causes that don’t actually matter.

YSAWD: You two just sat there, and did nothing, while a man died in front of you. TO HELL WITH YOU BOTH!!!!

CEBP: Well I never, I tried to say something nice and all I get is verbal abuse! So, I hope you’ve all really enjoyed this talk, which, as an interesting change of venue was broadcast live from the beautiful village of Stokesly-Upon-Tyne-Berry-South-Livercastle. But do join us next time, when we will be discussing, is there a reckoning coming, where me and Charles here are held criminially responsible for letting a man drown? I do hope you’ll join us then. I’m Completely Empty BBC Presenter, good day.