Should We Lift A Finger To Help The People Of Gaza?

Good evening, I’m Completely Empty BBC Presenter. And you’ll be glad to know, I’ve been subjected to enhanced conditioning, so I won’t go off and become an insane leftist like the previous Completely Empty BBC Presenter. The question we’re discussing today is, should we lift a finger to help the people of Gaza? To argue that we shouldn’t, we have Kevin Costblanket, from the Society For The Prevention Of Human Kindness, and to argue that we should, maybe, perhaps, raise our finger, a small bit perhaps, we have Jim Hooverhuddle, from the Institute Of All Talk No Action, a pleasure to have you both on.

KC: A pleasure to be here.

JH: Likewise

CEBP: So, we’ll start with you Kevin, some, and by some I mean a bunch of mad extremists with blue hair who hate the British people, think we should be lifting a finger to help the people in Gaza. In fact, I’d wager these lefty loonies think we should be lifting two, or perhaps three fingers for these people. What is your response to this?

KC: Well, I think these mad multiple pronoun lefties just haven’t considered the dangers involved in lifting a finger. The dangers of this endeavor are well documented, carpal tunnel syndrome, repetitive strain injury, Lyme disease.

CEBP: Lyme disease?

KC: Okay, that might have been a case where somebody had Lyme disease prior to lifting a finger, but my point is, there is a body of evidence pointing to the dangers to both the tendons and ligaments involved in lifting a finger, so I say, the risk is too great!

CEPB: Interesting point, though how would you respond to the point brought up by some Joseph Stalin worshiping lunatics that you raised two fingers, and a thumb no less, when it was Ukraine that was in peril?

KC: That was different you see.

CEBP: How was it different?

KC: Totally different, a world of difference it’s plain as day.

CEBP: But how was it different?

KC: I thought you were given proper conditioning, unlike that previous presenter who went off to become some sort of communist hippie. What’s all this attitude about?

CEBP: My apologies, but I’m required to give a small amount of push-back in order to create the illusion of balance. Now could you please answer the question of how was it different?

KC: Well, Ukranians are mostly Christian, and they have good Western values over there you see. So for them, I was willing to risk getting carpal tunnel syndrome, tendonitis, leprosy, whatever you like. But the people of Gaza, they’re a bit, you know.

CEBP: I don’t know, and my apologies again, but I’m required to push back on that to create the illusion of balance.

KC: Well, they’re a bit, you know, not the sort you’d invite round to dinner.

CEBP: My apologies, but I’ll need to ask you to elaborate.

KC: They’re the wrong religion, they have the wrong values, and they’re the wrong colour, are you happy now!

CEBP: And now over to you Jim, you’re very much in favour of lifting a finger for Gaza, in fact, the organization you’re with, the Institute Of All Talk No Action, recently published a paper on the possibility of lifting a finger, and a toe for Gaza, very interesting read. So, Jim, why do you think we should at the very least lift a finger for Gaza?

JH: Well, before I answer that, it’s important to talk about the work my organization does to put this into context. One of the things we’re passionate about is mitigating climate change, so, knowing we couldn’t sit silently, we lifted a finger for climate change, so, what we did was, we created a giant sign that says, “Climate Change Is Slightly Problematic” and placed it floating on the Thames.

CEBP: But my understanding is that that sign was full of extremely harmful plastics, that it if anything contributed to the growing problem of pollution in the Thames.

JH: Yes, but most people aren’t sufficiently educated on those dangers, so they are under the impression that we did a damn good job with that sign.

CEBP: Okay then, so how does this relate back to Gaza?

JH: Well, we only have to look across the water to our neighbours in Ireland to see how lifting a finger for Gaza can be done properly and effectively. The Irish government is every day faced with a very challenging problem. Because of all the well intentioned mistakes the British Empire made while trying to civilize the Irish, they feel a common kinship with the people of Palestine, who we also tried to civilize. So the problem is, every week you’ve got these Irish rabble rousers in the street shouting, “Palestine is dacent feen”, I’ve studied a bit of Cork so I hope I’m saying that right, and “Kneecap for President”. So what was the Irish government to do? Well, it’s simple, they became absolute masters at lifting a finger. The Irish government began to talk constantly about how the genocide of the people of Gaza was completely unacceptable, while at the same time, happily letting planes fly through Shannon en route for Israel, and doing everything in their power to delay and water down the Occupied Territories Bill. So, I think if we can take inspiration from our Tricoloured neighbours across the water, I think, we too, can become absolute experts at lifting a finger.

KC: Jim, I get what you’re saying, and I do see how lifting a finger might be necessary in Ireland, but here I just don’t think we need to do any of that. You see, the Irish aren’t like us, they’re a bit……

CEBP: Could you elaborate.

KC: I was actually happy enough with saying “They’re a bit” and then trailing off.

CEBP: Yes, but

KC: Okay, in the interest of creating the illusion of balance, I get it! The Irish you see, are, half way between civilized and uncivilized. Yes, it’s true that we did such a good job civilizing them that we were eventually able to let them go, in the south at least.

CEBP: With respect I don’t think that’s what happened, my understanding is the Irish in what is now the Republic Of Ireland fought a war for independence against the British Empire.

KC: That doesn’t sound right, the Irish? the Irish? standing up to the British Empire?, I’ll have to check my history books, that doesn’t sound right at all. Anyway, my point is, while it’s true that the Irish are more civilized than many peoples around the world, mostly due to our good work, they still feel a certain level of bitterness about how their barbaric nature meant we had to come in and teach them basic manners and etiquette, because, sometimes it went too far I’ll acknowledge, like that time we forgot to feed them, good heavens, our ancestors must have been so embarrassed by that little blunder! So despite the fact that the Irish are mostly the right religion, share the right values and are, (indecipherable mumbling.)

CEBP: Sorry could you repeat that?

KC: (More indecipherable mumbling.)

CEBP: Sorry but you’ll need to repeat that again.

KC: Okay, they’re mostly the right colour! Despite the fact that they’re the right kind of people by many metrics, they still feel that common kinship with the people of Palestine. So, lifting a finger for Gaza is probably necessary in the Emerald Isle, but not here, because this is the British Empire!

JH: Kevin, I still think it’s necessary to lift a finger over on these shores. Because it’s just been going on for so bloody long. It’s been nearly two years of images on our screen of the most absolutely depraved human suffering, the screaming of children, the starvation, the absolute apex of man’s inhumanity to man, and I just think it’s time, I just think (sobbling).

CEBP: Are you alright? If you need a break that’ll be perfectly fine.

JH: Thank you but I’m okay, I think it’s long past time that we put up a giant sign, on top of Big Ben no less, that says, “Israel Should Possibly Reconsider Its Well Intentioned But Nevertheless Slightly Misguided Policies Towards The Palestinians.”

KC: I understand your good intentions with that Jim, but I just think it’s too much of a slippery slope. The sign you advocate for isn’t too bad I’ll admit, but if we take it that far, we pave the way for a sign that says, “Israel Should DEFINATELY Reconsider Its Well Intentioned But Nevertheless Slightly Misguided Policies Towards The Palestinians.” And then there’ll be a more extreme sign after that, and a more extreme sign after that, and by the end, all of Britain will be covered with a giant sign that says, “Israel Should Definitely Reconsider The Fact That It Is Deliberately And Willingly Committing Acts That Are Inarguably A Great Inconvenience To The People Of Palestine.”

JH: I understand your point Kevin, but let me just take a moment to say, despite our vast differences in political opinion, I still really respect you, and I think your heart is in the right place.

KC: (Bursts into tears.)

CEBP: Are you okay, do you need a break?

KC: No I’m okay. Forgive this old fool for crying like a weak hearted woman, but, what I’ve seen over the last two years has been so inspiring, I’ve seen people of all religions, all races and ethnic backgrounds, gay people, transgender people, disabled people, all united by a beautiful belief that there’s little or nothing that we should do to help the people of Gaza, it just, gives me such hope for humanity, you know!

CEBP: Quite inspiring words, whether you’re a Hindu or some sort of gay, as long as you’re able to ignore the suffering of the people of Gaza we can all get along. And we’ll end it tonight on those touching words, but do join us next week, where we’ll be further creating excuses to ignore the crisis in Gaza, and possibly bringing in a mad blue haired leftist so nobody can say we’re biased. I’m Completely Empty BBC Presenter, good evening.