Should Humanity Itself Be Made A Proscribed Organization?

Good Evening, I’m Completely Empty BBC Presenter. Recently, the British Government made the decision to proscribe Palestine Action as a terrorist group. Now, some may be thinking, that’s a bit extreme. But I’ve got news for those extremists who think that’s too extreme. Through modern technology, we’ve managed to figure out what Osama Bin Laden would say about Palestine Action if he was still alive. And Bin Laden was sort of a celebrity in the whole terrorism thing as you know, sort of like the Elvis Presley of terrorism. Some boffins got together and figured out how to use advanced A.I to simulate what Bin Laden would say about Palestine Action if he were still alive, and I warn you this is chilling.

“How’s it goin’ lads, just wanted to say that I think what Palestine Action is doin’ is really dacent, and I know the law’d be whinging on about Palestine Action but don’t mind them they’re a bunch of langers”

My apologies about some technical problems there, the technology is still new and the only dialect it’s able to simulate is “Norrie”, which is a deviant and immoral form of English from Southern Ireland. But I’ve been assured that the actual content of that recording is accurate, and it clearly depicts Bin Laden, arguably the Elvis Presley of terrorism, praising Palestine Action. Chilling stuff.

But, some people are wondering, why stop there? Given that a disturbing number of people, all over the world, of many races, religions and age groups, do not support the mass slaughter of the Palestinian people, is is time to make humanity itself a proscribed organization?

Well, to discuss this now, we’re joined by Brandon Hotdonkey, who fully supports the mass slaughter of the people of Palestine and favours labeling humanity itself as a terrorist organization, and to make the contrary argument we’re joined by Denis Boastcock, who also fully supports the mass slaughter of the Palestinian people but thinks that declaring humanity a terrorist organization would be a mistake, but not a huge mistake, just a medium sized mistake. You’re both very welcome.

BH: It’s a pleasure to be here.

DB: Likewise

CEBP: We’ll start with you Brandon, some people, all mad extremists I’m sure, but we have to mention their viewpoint in the interest of balance, think that proscribing humanity is going a bit too far. They think it’s a bit, “Oh the nanny state is coming along and saying I have to wear a seatbelt!” What’s your response to that?

BH: Well, at first glance I can see why people think it’s a bit too far. But in order to make sure that we account for every single person who opposes the mass killings of the people of Gaza, I think we have to proscribe humanity as a whole. I’ll give you a relevant example. I was talking to a woman the other day, 95 years old. A Tory through and through. She passionately protested every immigrant that landed on British shores. She objected in the strongest terms to the normalization of gay people in British society. But do you know what she said to me? She said, “Sometimes I think what Israel is doing in Gaza is wrong, but only sometimes.” If even a person like her can spout such extremist rhetoric when it comes to Israel’s actions, what hope is there for the rest of us? So I say, just label humanity as a terrorist organization.

CEBP: Very thought provoking stuff there. Denis, what’s your response?

DB: Well, I just think Brandon hasn’t considered the amount of paperwork that’d be involved in such a thing. You are talking about proscribing 8.2 billion people! We’re talking about the biggest bureaucratic nightmare in the history of the British state!

CEBP: Interesting thoughts there from Denis, even if proscribing is right in principle, is it practical? What’s your response Brandon?

BH: With respect Denis, I believe your thinking on this is very limited. We have so far, bent over backwards to accommodate Israel, so all I’m asking for is that we bend over a little more. The NHS wastes billions of pounds every year in treating people who are heavy smokers, excessive drinkers, or, you know, just the wrong kind of people.

CEBP: The wrong kind of people?

BH: I’d ask you not to analyze that one too closely. But my suggestion is, we could move half of the NHS workers into the field of proscribing all of humanity, and there would still be enough people in our healthcare system to treat those who eat healthy, take no excessive risks, and are the right kind of people.

CEBP: Okay, but don’t you have a severe cocaine addiction? Why should you get healthcare under the new regime?

BH: Well, because, you see, my work, and my goals, are so aligned with good and honest Britishness, that I think exceptions could be made, you see.

CEBP: Well I’m glad my dog Rusty isn’t in the building, because the amount of dog whistles he would be hearing right now would drive him mad. What’s your response Denis?

DB: I think the semi-dismantling of the NHS is beyond absurd. Yes, I agree in principle that it would be nice if the undeserving didn’t receive healthcare, but, think of it like this. America has been rubbing our nose in it for years, this upstart nation’s been putting lads on the moon and the like, people still think that chap Kennedy is way more “hip”, as the young people say, than any of our PM;’s, but one of the few ways we are able to go, “NA NA NA NA NA”, is because we have a superior health care system. Downsizing the NHS in this way is just not worth the risk!”

CEPB: Placing optics and trendiness above human life, power stuff, powerful. Brandon, perhaps proscribing humanity is right in principle, but, it would just be such a huge endeavor. I have the feeling that this whole thing would make the Manhattan Project look like the bakesale in Chiswick-on-Stokinghamshire Upon Dalesbury by comparison. So, to put it bluntly, how is all of this worth the effort?

BH: Well, to take an example, you know the 26 counties in Ireland, remember who used to own them?

CEBP: We did, and it was good and proper, good and proper is what it was, I don’t think Ireland has been the same since they parted company with us, now instead of saying phrases like, “Jolly good” they say phrases like, “Fuck sake boi.” It’s a terrible state of affairs altogether.

BH: Well, imagine if humanity itself was a proscribed terrorist organization back then, we could have stopped these silly ideas about the Irish wanting to control their own destiny. And as you said, all they do now is go around saying uncouth phrases like “Dacent feen”. It’s shocking to hear really.

CEBP: Yes, I think I can see your point, we could have stopped these, Irish, as they are called, from getting foolish ideas in their heads, and then they wouldn’t be running around shouting, “Excuse me, you are a langar and such.” Could you elaborate on this further?

BH: Well, as you know, back in the day, Britain used to have an extremely dedicated and efficient workforce, who came over from Africa. And everybody was happy. But then some rabble rousers decided that this African workforce should just get different jobs, and return to Africa if they so wish. And things haven’t been the same since! But what if humanity had been proscribed as a terrorist organization back then? Why, we could have just said, “Anyone who supports people of African decent getting different jobs is a terrorist!” And that would have been the end of that!

DB: Okay, I can kind of see your point, but wouldn’t it be easier to just proscribe as we go instead of going through the difficulties involved in proscribing all of humanity?

BH: Because it’s too easy to get blindsided you see. Think of the early twentieth century. If we had put all of our eggs in one basket and just proscribed the Irish, then the suffragettes would still have been able to walk all over us. And the anti-war crowd would have still been able to cause all of their trouble. But imagine, IMAGINE, if all of humanity was a proscribed terrorist organization back then! Ireland would still be part of Britain, my wife wouldn’t be able to send me a text message that says, “Going out with a few friends, don’t know when I’ll be back, just throw something in the microwave”, and and AND, World War I would have been able to continue, FOREVER!

CEBP: What you just said is pretty fucked up to be honest.

BH: I beg your pardon!

CEBP: Oh, I mean, eh, stunning points, stunning, truly such remarkable insight! And that’s all we’ve got time for, we’ve had a really spirited debate tonight, we’ve had Denis Boastcock, who argued that we shouldn’t dismantle the NHS in order to defeat Pro-Palestine activists because our health care system is the only way we can show off in from of the U.S, and we’ve had Brandon Hotdonkey, who’s chilling vision for the future makes “1984” look like the Care Bears by comparison. A remarkable discussion from two remarkable people. But do join us next time, when our subject of discussion will be “Does Israel Have The Right To Defend Itself Against Imaginary Things?” I’ll see you then, I’m Completely Empty BBC Presenter, good evening.