Good Evening, I’m Completely Empty BBC Presenter. And we’re here to have a very exciting talk today, the talk of our times, the talk of every time, perhaps the talk of from the big bang to the eventual heat death of the universe. We will be asking the question, “Does Israel have a right to defend itself from imaginary things?”
To argue that it does, we have invited back Suzanne Candlecuddle, from The Center For The Advancement Of Israel’s Interests Above Humanity’s Interests, glad to have you back Suzanne.
SC: A pleasure to be back.
CEBP: And to argue that Israel does NOT have a right to defend itself from imaginary things, we are inviting back someone who previously argued against Suzanne, he’s some insane leftist we found somewhere, but his insane non-binary pronouns are Mark Brown, so since the BBC is a very inclusive and progressive organization, we will be respecting the pronouns of this insane leftist who has been infected by some sort of trans ideology.
MB: I keep telling you, Mark Brown isn’t my pronouns, it’s just my name!
CEBP: Look, we’ve agreed to meet you half way insane leftist, I mean “Mark Brown”, so please be grateful. Suzanne and “Mark”, if I’m saying it right, sorry I’m still new to this trans stuff, previously clashed on the topic of “Should Oxygen Be Considered Anti-Semitic?” you can watch that right here if you wish:
So, it will be so exciting to see the verbal sparring match between these two. We’ll start with you Suzanne, why do you believe Israel has the right to defend itself from imaginary things?
Suzanne: Well, I’d like to show you something that the IDF found that will deeply disturb you. Israel accidentally bombed a school, they were horrified by their mistake.
CEBP: My god, that’s horrible, are the IDF soldiers alright?
Suzanne: Don’t worry, they are getting counseling to deal with the stress they are dealing with after their unfortunate mistake.
CEBP: And the children in the school, were they alright?
Suzanne: Em, that’s sort of irrelevant to my point. My point is, have a look at this, which IDF soldiers found in the rubble of the school.
CEBP: It’s a child’s picture of a dinosaur. It’s cute!
Suzanne: Really, you don’t find this disturbing?
CEBP: No, it’s adorable actually, the dinosaur is smiling and is holding an ice cream cone. Could I have it actually? A nice picture like this would really brighten up my house!
Suzanne: What is wrong with you, why can’t you understand how evil and sick this picture is!
CEBP: I don’t understand, a small child drew a lovely picture of a dinosaur, a smiling dinosaur with an ice cream cone. It’s heartwarming!
Suzanne: I was promised no opposition, what the fuck is this pro-Palestine bullshit you’re giving me!
CEBP: Suzanne, I’m so sorry, you know I always try to agree with you, but, I can’t understand what your point is! I want to agree with you, but I don’t know HOW to agree with you. Because this is just, bizarre, even by your standards. So please, I’m begging you, just tell me what I’m supposed to think!
SC: My apologies, got a bit worked up there. So my point is, this picture was drawn by a five year old boy. Think about that, from the age of five, the children of Gaza can already imagine extremely dangerous animals that could easily injure or kill the citizens of Israel. And it would be one thing if this was a dangerous animal such as a rhino or a hippo, but this child’s mind was so……
MB: Was? Want to elaborate on that Suzanne?
SC: I’d rather not. Anyway, my point is, this child’s mind was so dangerous, that he could reach into the past and bring back the tyrannosaurus, with his mind!
MB: It’s a picture of a dinosaur, a smiling dinosaur, with an ice cream cone, and you’re treating it like it’s the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq that didn’t exist.
SC: I’m getting to my point, God you Palestine supporters are so rude! My point is, if even the children, let alone the adults, can, with the power of their imagination, travel back 65 million years to the time of the dinosaurs, then it’s not inconceivable that they can imagine an even more mighty animal, perhaps an animal from the past, or perhaps an animal from the future, perhaps an alien creature. So yes, I am arguing that the mind of every child in Gaza is a weapon of mass destruction!
CEBP: Okay, I’m going to need a minute or two to figure out HOW to agree with that point, can you two talk amongst yourselves for a bit?
MB: Suzanne, I didn’t think your claims could get any more outlandish, but you’ve really outdone yourself today. When I saw that picture, I felt a small bit of joy and hope, that the children of Gaza can still feel a small amount of happiness, enough happiness to draw a lovely picture. But all you see in, of all things, a picture of a dinosaur, a smiling dinosaur, with an ice-cream cone, is evidence of their hatred and violence. What in the name of God is wrong with you?
SC: The child deliberately depicted the dinosaur smiling and holding an ice cream cone, to distract us from what violent and aggressive animals dinosaurs were. Don’t you see that this child’s picture is an act of war against Israel?
MB: Suzanne, every day, every single day in fact, I imagine you, and people like you, being thrown in jail, for the hatred you have spread, for the lies you have spread, that has helped enable the absolute butchery of the people of Gaza. Now, just because I imagine that a lot, doesn’t mean it’s reality. Do you see my point Suzanne?
SC: I think it’s quite anti-Semitic that you enjoy the thought of me being put in jail actually.
MB: What? You’re not even Jewish!
CEBP: Okay, I THINK I’ve figured out how to agree with Suzanne. What you are saying is that, the children of Gaza are capable of imagining savage beasts that are capable of causing all kinds of destruction against the people of Israel. And, if, eh, give me a second I’m struggling with this bit. If, a wizard appeared, and this wizard had the specific goal of making real things that Gazan children imagined, and, it turned out, that even the pictures of happy dinosaurs they drew, were enemies of Israel, then Israel would be in great danger. Do I have it right?
SC: Yes, you have it Completely Empty BBC Presenter, well done!
MB: Are you okay man?
CEBP: I’m alright, it’s just, agreeing with all of that stuff, it’s, really taking a toll on me.
MB: Then don’t agree with her. Make up your own mind. You don’t have to be Completely Empty BBC Presenter. You can be whatever you want. You can be an artist. A poet! You can travel the world. You can be anything you want! So why not decide today, that, you’re not going to be Completely Empty BBC Presenter anymore, but that you’ll be Completely Life Affirming Novara Media Presenter!
CEBP: Do you think, Novara Media will have me?
MB: I think they’d love to have you!
CLANMP: You’re right, you’re right, I’m off to see if Novara Media will give me a job! And you, Suzanne, I have wanted to say this to you for so long, but you, YOU, are a silly goose!
MB: Okay, we can work on you phrasing that in stronger terms.
CLANMP: I’m off now.
MB: What’s that noise?
CLANMP: Oh the higher ups at BBC will already know I’m leaving, and now a new Completely Empty BBC Presenter is going to pop out of the floor, in just a second or two.
CEBP: Good evening, I’m Completely Empty BBC Presenter. I was created, just this second in fact, because the previous presenter left to join Novara Media. I have just come into existence, I have no concept of anything, I know not what love is, I know not what beauty is, I know not what the future, or the past is, but I know I must agree with this, “Israel” thing, whatever that is, all the time. So, that’s all we have time for, as I still don’t know how to do, well, anything, but I hope you’ll join us next time, when hopefully I’ve figured out this thing called being alive. I’m Completely Empty BBC Presenter, good evening.
Ponderings Of An Autist 