Hello, I’m Completely Empty BBC Presenter. And by BBC I mean British Bookreading Corporation, because this is the 19th century. As we all know, there was a completely unprovoked and unconscionable attack that took place in Southampton County, Virginia, in the United States last week. The white population there had the decency and kindness to provide employment and housing to the black population living there, but their good morals was met with an unbelievable level of sadism.
Nat Turner, the leader of the attack, viciously assaulted and killed good upstanding white people, because he had problems with his work conditions and the work conditions of other black people. He didn’t try to protest peacefully in any way, he just led a completely unprovoked attack. Frankly, I don’t know what Mr Turner had to complain about, he was given a job on the day he was born! Didn’t even have to go out and look for a job, was just given full employment on the day of his birth! I wouldn’t mind some of that, me thinks black people have it a bit too easy!
To discuss this matter, we have Sir Harold Ipswitch-Topley of Heather-Ealing-Abbey-Downton.
SHITHEAD: It’s a pleasure to be here I’m sure.
CEBP: And, in the interest of balance, we have some “Abolitionist”. Imagine that, an “Abolitionist”. He has a problem with the work conditions of black people, so he wants to abolish those jobs. What will he abolish next, the clouds in the sky? Sir Harold Ipswitch-Topley of Heather-Ealing-Abbey-Downton, what have you got to say about this shocking tragedy that has torn at the hearts of every right thinking person?
SHITHEAD: I’d like to wish my condolences to the families of all the white people who were killed last week, and stress that Nat Turner is a deeply unhinged man who attacked a lot of white people for no reason. Imagine hating people just for being white? A truly disturbed man.
CEBP: And now you Abolitionist, do you condemn Nat Turner?
A: What?
CEBP: It’s a simple question, do you condemn Nat Turner?
A: I condemn the institution of slavery, that holds black people in bondage and forces them to do extremely difficult and backbreaking labour, for no reason other than the colour of their skin, how can you not see that it’s barbaric?
SHITHEAD: Well, isn’t this typical of these mad abolitionists. He claims to be such a spokesperson for black people, but I know a lot more black people than he knows I bet.
A: The black people you know are your slaves!
SHITHEAD: Please, the term slavery is deeply offensive, the correct term is work contract of limited flexibility.
CEBP: So Abolitionist, not even a teensie weensie bit of condemnation for Nat Turner?
A: I reject your premise. You ask do I condemn Nat Turner in order to drum up support for the horrible massacre of both enslaved blacks and free blacks that is currently going on in retaliation for Nat Turner’s rebellion.
SHITHEAD: I know the current attacks on black people are not very nice, but white people have a right to defend themselves.
A: How do they have a right to defend themselves? It was white people started this. If anything black people have a right to defend themselves. If white people didn’t want black people to attack them they shouldn’t have started kidnapping them from Africa!
CEBP: So, let me get this straight, you’re defending Nat Turner?
A: Look, nobody is happy about the fact that Nat Turner killed children. But you all love to take that admittedly savage act in isolation. If you had been forced to do horrifically brutal work under pain of torture, mutilation, and death, try to imagine, and no, I can’t fully imagine it myself, but TRY to imagine the desperation you would feel in that brutalized state. Isn’t it understandable that you might feel that the only way forward was to fight back in the way that Nat Turner did?
CEBP: I just feel that people on work contracts of limited flexibility could protest peacefully.
At: How, they would have been beaten and whipped if they had done that.
CEBP: Yes, but they still could have, they still could have protested peacefully, it’s just they’d have been savagely beaten if they did.
A: How is that any kind of choice?
CEBP: Well, how do you define choice anyway?
SHITHEAD: Yes, I’m not as clever as Aristotle, who incidentally believed in slavery, and he was extremely smart, so that tells you something. But I recognize that the question of what constitutes free will is a very intractable problem. Who knows really if the people in work terms of limited flexibility are truly free? Am I free, are you free? Are the horses in the field free? Very difficult philosophical stuff. You might say that….
CEBP AND SHITHEAD: It’s complicated.
A: Oh, you two are the most insufferable and pompous assholes I’ve ever met, completely indifferent to your own privilege!
CEBP: Now, now, that’s a very rude and disrespectful tone, reign it in or I’m afraid I’m going to have to mute you.
A: Excuse me?
CEBP: When the guests are rude I mute them, I get a surgeon to come in and do a procedure on them, so they will be mute.
SHITHEAD: Mr Abolitionist, you’re so quick to condemn good employers of people on work contracts of limited flexibility like myself, without taking the time to acknowledge that I have been one of the biggest advocates for, if not the biggest advocate for, the two state solution.
A: Okay then, what is the two state solution?
SHITHEAD: White people are kept in a state of liberty, and black people are kept in a state of bondage, two state solution.
CEBP: Mr Abolitionist.
A: My name is David by the way.
CEBP: I know, but it helps to turn the audience against you if I never use your name. Anyway, Mr Abolitionist, I think the reason a lot of people think you, how do I put this delicately, have an intellect no greater than that of an Irishman or a woman, is because you see this conflict in such simplistic terms. You blame white people all the time, and never once acknowledge that black people did anything wrong. Why can’t you just admit that there’s wrong on both sides?
A: Okay, let’s talk about how this “conflict” started. The people who are currently kept as slaves, have ancestors that were taken by force from Africa. The future of those people was stolen, and their children’s future was stolen, and their children after that, and so on and so forth. I just don’t see how anyone who understands that 2+2=4 can see it as anything other than a situation with one aggressor and one victim.
SHITHEAD: Look, I’ll admit at times, and I’ll even meet you half way by using your vernacular, how’s that? I admit that sometimes I have my doubts about the morality of this “slavery” as the young people call it. But abolitionists like you are just, so extreme. I’m 25 years old, so have far more years behind me than ahead of me. I would be perfectly fine with you people advocating for such a gradualist approach that I would have died of old age by the time slavery was abolished. But no, you have to advocate for abolishing the practice on such a timescale that it will inconvenience good upstanding white people such as myself.
CEBP: That’s a good point. Mr Abolitionist, how could you be so selfish as to not even consider how much your antics are going to be a bother to white people?
A: White people aren’t the only people who deserve rights and basic human dignity. And the amount of white people who disagree with you is increasing by the day. William Wilberforce is a great example.
SHITHEAD: Yes, but he’s the wrong kind of white. I mean, has he ever been given a phrenological exam? I mean I don’t think Wilberforce is any smarter than a Welshman to be perfectly honest.
CEBP: And that’s all we’ve got time for. But do join us next week, when we discuss another very important and thought provoking issue, how do we prevent women from reading Mary Wollstonecraft and getting funny ideas in their little brains? I’m Completely Empty BBC Presenter, good evening.
Ponderings Of An Autist 