I’m tired of all these people making fun of Robert F. Kennedy Jr! It’s so horrible! The poor man, it must be a struggle, EVERY, SINGLE, DAY, for him, why have people got to be so callous and cruel!” No, I’m not talking about the fact that he has dystonia. I’m not talking about the worm in his brain. But the other illness he has, why do you have to be like that, leave poor RFK alone!
No, the illness I’m talking about is called HNMAAP. The symptoms are horrific, they include, saying things like this:
“Autistic children will never play baseball.”
Stop laughing at him. Why are you being so evil? HNMAAP is a very serious illness, and I’m literally beside myself with rage that so many of you would make fun of this horrifying disease! Well, let me tell you what HNMAAP stands for, and then you’ll feel really sorry that you laughed at this poor man.
“Has Never Met An Autistic Person.”
There, that’s what HNMAAP stands for. And I hope you people all feel deeply ashamed of yourselves now. Imagine how awful, how life limiting, how hopeless, it must feel, to have never met an autistic person?
Stop laughing at him you bullies!
Just think what a terrifying, dark, depressing life RFK must lead. He will never meet someone who has recorded practically every bird song in Ireland. He will never meet someone who is an absolute hero, and at such a young age, in the cause of getting world governments to get off their arse and stop climate change. And he will never meet someone who has played an extremely charming and polite cannibal. How dark must the life of RFK be? How cruel must his days be? What a cruel, horrifying……
Right, if ONE more person laughs at RFK, I’m going to turn this blogpost around!
So, what can we do to help RFK, with his horrifying, STOP LAUGHING, debilitating, and completely cruel and unfair disease? Well, helping somebody with HNMAAP can be a long and complicated process. For you see, if an autistic person were to just suddenly approach RFK, he would probably start writhing on the floor, shouting “Abite, spiritus viles!” That means “Be gone vile spirit!” according to an English to Latin translator I just used. Sadly, neither will arranging a phone call with RFK work. If Anthony Hopkins were to ring up RFK, he would just start shouting, “Don’t eat me, don’t eat me!” And no, this has nothing to do with Silence of the Lambs. RFK hasn’t SEEN Silence of the Lambs. RFK would just assume that an autistic person would want to eat him.
What about an autistic person shooting RFK a quick text message? Just one word, like “Sup?” Technically that can be thought of as three words contracted into one, but, alas, this won’t work either. If an autistic person shot RFK a quick text message, he would just start shouting, “They’re in my phone, goddammit, they’re in my phone!” Then he would throw the phone into the bin, then he would blow up the bin, then he would throw the remains of the bin into a volcano, then he would drop a nuke into the volcano. So no, there is no way an autistic person shooting RFK a quick text message, with a word like “Sup?” would do any good.
So, I’ve wracked my brains, thought about it so hard, asking the question, how do we help poor RFK? And, I’ve come up with a solution, that always fixes everything, all the time, always. And that is, the way we help RFK, is with……
A short video directed by Alfonso Cuarón. That should fix everything, YAAAAAY!
Here is the script for the video. Basically, a very SCARY voice says all this stuff. It’s SCARY!
“I am HNMAAP. I work very quickly. I work faster than pediatric aids, cancer and diabetes combined. And if you’re happily married, I will make sure that your marriage fails, because your husband or wife will end the marriage by saying, “Will you ever shut up about chelation therapy! That’s it, I want a divorce!” I will make it virtually impossible for your family to easily attend a temple, birthday party, or public park without a struggle, without embarrassment, without pain, because as soon as you see an autistic person at one of those events, you will start shouting, “IT’S THE VACCINES, IT’S THE VACCINES!!!!” and make a complete ass out of yourself.
Your scientists don’t have the resources, and I relish their desperation. Your neighbors are happier to pretend that I don’t exist, they say, “He’s going on about hyperbaric chambers again, fuck I can’t deal with his shit today, let’s just avoid him.” I am HNMAAP. I have no interest in right or wrong. I derive great pleasure out of your loneliness. The loneliness caused by the fact that every time you talk to another human being, you invariably start going on about how much you love Andrew Wakefield, and the other person invariably says, “Oh that sounds interesting, but I just realized I’ve a dental appointment I forgot about!”
“I am a father, a mother, a grandparent, a brother, a sister. I will not rest until RFK is able to listen to the highly innovative music of Gary Numan without throwing the record player out the window. I will not stop until RFK is able to hear a Swedish accent without running out of the room, because he assumes all Swedish people are autistic, like Greta Thunberg. We are Qatar, we are the United Kingdom, we are China, and we won’t rest until RFK is able to have a brief conversation with Bella Ramsey without having a nervous breakdown. We have had challenges, but we are the best when overcoming them. We speak the only language that matters: Love for RFK Jr. HNMAAP, if you are not scared, you should be, when you came for RFK Jr, you forgot, you came for me. HNMAAP, are you listening?”
So, that’s the script for the video, but unfortunately, this video will cost 40 million euros to produce. So, I need to put together a charity rock concert to pay for the video. And that charity rock concert will be call RFK Aid. It will feature Gary Numan, Courteney Love, David Byrne and Joe Walsh, and who knows, maybe some day, if we have hope, RFK will be able to talk to these four musicians without getting a severe panic attack.
The time to fight for RFK is now. I can’t just sit here any longer, and do nothing, as RFK suffers the absolute terror of being unable to go to Australia, because that’s where Chloe Hayden is from. I can’t just ignore it anymore. One time an autistic person shook RFK’s hand, and when he realized later they were autistic, he spent 12 days washing his hand. 12 DAYS! You can’t even imagine what that must be like!
And some day, some day, I think sooner than we think, there will a vaccine for HNMAAP, and then we will be able to confine this horrible illness to the annals of history. Yes I believe that, with one simple vaccine we’ll be able to…. Oh wait, RFK is against vaccines. Fuck it, I give up, there’s no helping him so.
Source for RFK’s infamous “baseball” quote:
https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/quote-rfk-jr-autistic-kids/
And here’s the text of the video I was satirizing, a trainwreck from 2009 called “I Am Autism”:
Ponderings Of An Autist 