How To Not Give A Shit About Palestine

Content Warning: Dark Humour About The Palestinian Genocide

So, as you may have read, or encountered in one of these, TikTok videos, despite your best efforts to ignore it, there’s a bit of trouble going on in Palestine. And, the more you hear about dead babies and entire families being wiped out, your guilty conscience may start demanding that you do something about it, despite the fact that you’d rather stay at home and not bother going out marching for Palestine. But don’t worry, I have here, a handy guide, on how to not give a shit about Palestine! Follow these simple steps, and I promise, you will be able to continue being the completely apathetic person that your fellow apathetics know and love!

1. I’m so enlightened, because I care about the real injustices.

Instead of caring about the fashionable trend of Palestine, I care about, eh, one of those other countries where there’s an injustice, eh, shit, where’s another country where there’s something bad happening. Finland? No, that’s not it. Let me think. Come on, it’s one of them places with a really foreign sounding name. Eton? No, come on think think. Sudan! Just go on about the Sudan, and ask why a Palestine activist isn’t trying to help that country. Now, you may be wondering, does this mean you have to actually do something to help the people of the Sudan? Of course not! This isn’t about forming a coherent argument, this is just about saying whatever random collection of sentences makes you feel better about the fact that you do nothing to help the people of Palestine, or the people of any other country!

2. Thunberg is involved in it, so you can just say she’s one of these mental autistics.

This one you’ll have a lot of fun with, because with this, you’ll get to also not give a shit about climate change, and also get to be a fucking ableist. YAAAAAY!!!! You can simply repeat the playbook when Greta Thunberg started in climate change activism, that she’s one of those autistics and she’s mental and doesn’t know what’s going on. Sure that poor misfortunate autistic girl probably doesn’t even know what a Palestine is, she’s being exploited by Big Gaza! So we shouldn’t listen to any of these autistic people because the poor dears don’t know what’s even going on!

3. Say that caring about dead babies is just a “woke” trend.

Worrying about dead children is just the woke brigade, with their pronouns and their tofu burgers again. Twenty years ago you could say that you didn’t care anything for a dead baby in one of those far away countries, now if you say that they say you’re a racist, it’s political correctness gone mad is what it is!

4. Or, you can play it the other way, and say that by not giving a shit about Palestine you’re the one who’s woke!

Those Palestinians are so homophobic, in Palestine they drop you off a, eh, what’s that phrase I heard, in Palestine they eh, something about dropping you off something? Look, I just heard somewhere that all Palestinians are homophobic, Bill Maher or one of those really smug guys said it, so I’m being ever so progressive by not supporting Palestine! Why are you supporting Palestine homophobe!

7. Say That The Climate Changed a Million Years Ago

Just say that a million years ago the, oh wait, I’m trying to not give a shit about so many issues that I get mixed up sometimes. Ok, moving on.

8. Why Are There So Many Trans People Now?

Shit I got mixed up again! Okay, concentrate, concentrate! If I don’t get this right I’ll have to care about people other than myself!

9. Say You Don’t See What This Problem Has Got To Do With Irish People

We’re all the way over here in Ireland, what’s it got to do with us if the Palestinians are cranky about being shot or whatever? I mean, I know that Israeli products are available in Ireland, and that the Irish government lets planes on their way to Israel through Shannon, but, Palestine is about, I dunno, a trillion miles away, so I don’t see what Palestine has to do with us!

10. Or Play It The Other Way, And Say We Don’t Need To Care About Palestine Because Simon Harris Is Going To Fix Everything!

Simon Harris went on tv and said he’s going to fix Palestine. Em, I don’t know how he intends to do that by refusing to have anything to do with the Occupied Territories Bill and by continuing to let the planes land in Shannon, but, look I’m pretty sure he said some of his best friends are from Gaza okay!?

11. If All Else Fails, There’s One Simple Phrase That’ll Get You Out Of Trouble, “It’s Complicated!”

“It’s complicated” is like that upside down lifeboat from the Titanic that a bunch of lads survived on. When all hope seems lost it’ll just about save you!

So, the British Empire created the nation of Israel, and, didn’t bother to worry about the fact that there were already people living within the borders of the new Israel? Instead of trying to live in peace beside the people who were already living there, Israel stole their land and their civil liberties? And then, in the year 2023, Israel decided to, like, kill all of them? Yeah, I can’t seem to figure out who’s right or wrong there, I’m going back to bed!

12. Remember, Twenty Years From Now You Can Just Lie!

So, you might be worried that twenty years from now, this whole Palestine thing might be remembered as being like the South African Apartheid or whatever, one of the really really bad things. But fear not, twenty years from now, you can just lie lie lie! Say you were boycotting every Israeli product in sight. Say you went to every Palestine march! Say you walked right up to Netanyahu and told him to stop acting the maggot towards all those Palestinians! The future may be unwritten, but your future is clear, it will be an epic pile of bullshit, and it will be glorious!

So, I hope this has been helpful in how to deal with that asshole called your conscience bullying you. Imagine that there’s a part of your brain tasked with caring about human beings who are far away from you. What a horrible evolutionary mistake! But don’t worry, if you follow these simple steps, I assure you that your conscience will fuck off and leave you alone forever!