Note: I’m afraid this is going to be one of those posts where you need to read a previous one for context, so you should probably read this previous one first before you get going on this one:
Or if you’re feeling adventurous, why not start straight into this one even though you will have no idea what’s going on!
Good afternoon, thank you all for being here, my name is Dr Ravi Savool. I have received much vitriol for my controversial claims, I have been called a charlatan, a fraud, and even have to deal with the strange claim that my name is just a Norwegian name backwards, that one is particularly strange. But, my critics will have to wipe away their criticism and replace it with praise, because, I have found the solution to Emotional Neutrality Disorder, or END. The cause of END is, SHOES!
That’s right, the evil shoe industry is the cause of Emotional Neutrality Disorder. Are we to believe that it is a mere coincidence that it is shortly after a child starts wearing shoes, that they develop the symptoms of Emotional Neutrality Disorder? I think not. I think not indeed!
Consider this heartbreaking story from a mother I have been working with, who’s son is cruelly afflicted by Emotional Neutrality Disorder. “He was getting better at walking, so we decided to get him a proper pair of shoes. Then, when he’d been wearing the shoes only a few days, I said to him, “Bobby, would you like to go to the beach?” And his, I’m sorry, this is really hard, his answer was the response no parent wants to hear, his response was, “Grand.””
If you are shaking with anger at the evil of the shoe industry, I completely understand, because I feel the same way. But now to further bolster my claim, a claim that many so called experts say is flimsier than a paper bag in a rainstorm, here is a further story from a young father I’ve been working with. “There was a bird outside, and me and my wife and my other two children ran over to the window and started screeching joyously and flapping our hands. All except my youngest daughter Diana, who had been wearing shoes for about three weeks at this point. I said, “Diana, would you like to join us in our stimming? There’s a bird outside.” And she said, “No thanks Dad, I’m actually grand.”” I tell you, it’s the shoes, what else could explain this but the vile and sick machinations of the shoe industry!
So surely shoes should be banned? Surely we can end the horror of Emotional Neutrality Disorder if we just ban shoes, and then no parent will ever again have to witness the horror of their child not screeching joyously and not flapping their hands? Well, if only it were that simple. But you see, the establishment is in cahoots with Big Shoe, that’s right, I feel the only appropriate word is cahoots! After I revealed my findings about shoes, I soon enough told my dear friend Dr Alan Sleepgrass, one of the bravest and most wonderful people I have ever met, and if you ever met him he would be the bravest person you ever met. Alan vowed that he would not rest until every parent knew about the link between shoes and Emotional Neutrality Disorder. And what did the establishment do? They took away his medical license! Now poor Alan is, well, he’s doing quite well actually, he lives in a really nice house in the U.S, but that’s not in the point, the point is, the hero Dr Alan Sleepgrass tried to blow the whistle on the evil shoe industry, and the establishment decided that this saint must be punished!
So what’s the solution? Well, the solution is obvious, don’t buy shoes for your children, ever! And if they say something, like, “Could I just wear them on the way to the shop, there’s broken glass on the footpath”, don’t fall for it! That means the local shoe shop has gotten inside their head, and poisoned their mind! You think I’m exaggerating, let me tell you this story from a broken hearted mother who lost her child to END, “Sean said, “Mam, can I please wear my shoes in the park, it’s very cold outside,” and I said, “No Sean, shoes cause END, you know that.” And he said, “Please Mam, it’s so cold outside.” And because I can’t say no to him, I let him wear his shoes in the park, and when he came back, I noticed he wasn’t flapping his hands or screeching joyously about the fact that there was a bird in the park, so I asked him a question, trembling because I already knew the answer I would get, I asked, “Sean, how did you get on in the park?”, and, while making eye contact, he said, “Grand.”
I am tired of having to tell parents that their child will always make eye contact. I am tired of having to tell young mothers that their child will never start screeching in response to their favourite tv show coming on. I am tired of having to tell fathers that when their child grows up, they will happily spend their time in a weird building called a public house, and they will happily stay there for hours, despite the fact that it is very loud and probably damaging to their hearing. I’m just tired. But despite my tiredness, despite my infinite level of fatigue, I shall never surrender to the shoe industry.
But there is hope, I will read the testimony of a proud mother who has a son who hasn’t been inflicted by the terror of END. She never allows him to wear shoes. He is 47 years old. “Everything that prick Savool says is a bunch of crap, I never let Thomas wear shoes and he still says “grand” all the time.” Oh no, I’ve gotten my documents mixed up I’m afraid, let me, just one second please, okay, listen to this one instead, and forget about that other one, “When my seven year old daughter comes home from school, her feet bloody from all the glass on the footpath, I breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that until the day I die, thanks to Dr Ravi Savool’s work, she will never, ever make eye contact with me, or go to a public house, or use any type of transport other than a train.”
In just a moment I will be selling copies of Dr Alan Sleepgrass’s documentary, Shoed, where he exposes the spine chilling horror of the Shoe Industrial Complex. So why not buy a copy, he could use the money, since the establishment took away his medical license he’s finding it hard to build another extension onto his giant house. Oh, and don’t look into any of the experiments that Alan did on END children without the proper consent of the parents, those experiments wouldn’t interest you at all, there’s no need to even think of those. Just buy a copy of Shoed, and do your part to fight the vile terror of the evil shoe industry!
Ponderings Of An Autist 
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