Content Warning: This won’t just be a concert review, I’ll also be talking about issues related to anxiety and depression.
“Ah, that’s a hyperbolic title,” you must be thinking. “It was a really good concert sure, but surely not enough to pull you out of feelings of sadness.” “Surely this, “progressive metal”, as you young kids call it, wouldn’t be enough to soothe your feelings of melancholy?” Yes, maybe a tad hyperbolic on the title, but not much, really not that much. Because the truth is, I was in a really sad place, just, overwhelmed by feelings of hurt, and going to see Devin Townsend just pulled me out of it.
Disclaimer before I go any further, while the feelings of sadness were really intense, it was unusual for me to feel this sad and still is, we are not talking about long term depression or anything like that. I am not saying that if somebody has a long term mental health issue, that it can all be fixed by them going to a concert, or going for a walk, or going to the cinema. This is just my own experience with how a wonderful experience pulled me out of a very strong feeling of melancholy.
So, what started the feeling of sadness was, really the time of year was what kicked it off. While I’ve never been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder, I strongly suspect that this is something I am affected by, because while I deal with anxiety all year round, sadness is typically more of a Winter thing. So what kicked it off was that somebody completely lost their temper on me. I was later informed that this person just loses their temper on everyone, all the time, but it didn’t matter, at the time I felt completely unable to deal with it, and I became very intensely upset. But there was something to look forward to. I was playing a gig on that Thursday, and the following Friday, I was going to see Devin Townsend. So the Thursday gig would pull me out of my sadness, and then I’d be all cheery and happy sunshine in time for Devin Townsend. Or, so, I, thought.
I was intensely focused on playing a good show at that gig. I must have checked that my guitar was in tune four or five times. So I played the gig, and I felt my feelings of happiness being restored, all was well with the world again! But then, when I stepped off the stage, it all came crashing down. I was informed due to an error with the way the volume of the various instruments was set up, nobody could hear me playing. The thing I had focused very intensely on doing right, the thing I was banking on getting me out of my feelings of sadness, it was all for nothing. Not being heard is worse than making a few mistakes. Not being heard is worse than making a lot of mistakes. If you can’t be heard, you might as well not have been there at all, and I’d just depleted a lot of my spoons on, nothing.
I should note that in my sadness addled brain, I may have misunderstood, it may have been the case that I couldn’t be heard in one section specifically and could be heard for every other part of the gig, but it didn’t matter, my understanding of it was still that nobody could hear me. After the incident of me being bullied earlier in the week, and now the gig that was suppose to restore me was all for nothing, I was, broken. I went home, miserable, but still in a horrible riddle that I wasn’t in a fit state to deal with. I have severe travel anxiety, and I had to decide was I in a good enough psychological state to go see Devin Townsend, one of the most amazing musicians to ever honour the world of music with his presence. Going to Dublin would have been hard anyway, it was hard to get up to Opeth the previous month (fucking awesome gig by the way!) And getting up there with travel anxiety was extremely difficult, despite the fact that back then, I didn’t feel completely and utterly crushed. I went to bed that night, not sure if I was going to be getting the train to Dublin the next day.
I sat in my room the next morning, I would have been in tears except at the time I was so emotionally repressed that I couldn’t cry. I just didn’t feel in a fit state for going to this concert, and yet, the thought of not going still felt like it was going to break me. But then I thought to myself, Kent station, is not that far from my house. It’s not scary. Just go to Kent station, that’s all you have to do, you don’t have to do any more than that if you don’t want.
So I went to the train station. And what was next? Sitting in a comfortable chair, watching the forests and the mountains going by. Yes, that wasn’t so bad was it? At the risk of being the most stereotypically autistic guy ever, my favourite mode of transport other than the bike is the train. I mainly like it because trains tend to take you through the more beautiful parts of the country, and that’s just so relaxing, so soothing. So, the next few hours would be peaceful, at least I could guarantee that. So I got on the train.
And it was peaceful. Seeing that beautiful countryside outside my window, it was wonderful, and I felt myself being lifted out of my sadness already. I still had no idea how I was going to book into my hotel, get to the concert, get back to the hotel, and get home the next day, but it was like I was able to push that into a corner of my brain, and just let the forests and the mountains soothe my mind.
But when I got off the train, there was no doubt. There was no way I travelled to the other side of the country to miss Devin when he was only playing about two miles away! It was inevitable now, I was fucking going!
I was allowed have my bag with me at the concert, which isn’t allowed often times, but that was handy because I had access to my water. At a gig you get dehydrated very fast, with, all of the headbanging, and at the end, you all of a sudden need to drink several oceans worth of water. And I got to a point where I was very close to the stage. It was a standing gig so it’s not like there were defined rows, but I was pretty much in the third row, that’s how close I was to musical awesomeness!
And I think I may have been privileged to be at one of the best concerts that Devin Townsend ever performed. Often times he’ll have some backing tracks for parts of the songs that are too difficult to perform live, but this was all completely live, no backing tracks at all. And he had a great group of musicians with him. Devin Townsend will usually have a female singer with him to do backing vocals, and often lead vocals too, and it was Ché Aimee Dorval, who is in my opinion, probably my favourite singer that Devin Townsend has ever worked with, he recorded a great album with her a good few years ago called “Casualties Of Cool”, and she is also on one of my favourite Devin Townsend albums called Ki (this will become relevant later!) So it was great to hear her sing that night.
On guitar, (one of four guitarists including Devin Townsend himself), was Mike Kenneally, who has played with Frank Zappa himself! And on drums was Morgan Ågren, who has played many songs by Frank Zappa (Frank Zappa songs are not easy, think of music that makes the progiest prog that ever progged look like Mary Had A Little Lamb by comparison, and you’re getting a tiny, tiny picture of the ridiculous and awesome complexity of Frank Zappa’s music!) Unfortunately I’ll have to bring the who’s who of amazing musicians to a close there, otherwise this blogpost would be about a hundred pages long, but I’ll just say, everyone on stage that night was fucking amazing.
The setlist was an absolute dream could true, it really was. If you were to ask me what my two favourite Devin Townsend albums are, I’m probably going to have to say Ki, and Empath (Empath having been released at the early part of 2019), and they played, most of the songs, from those two albums! I couldn’t have asked for more! Well I could have asked for more but that would just have been greedy!
My feelings of sadness had already melted away before the concert even started, the excitement of seeing one of my favourite musicians, knowing he would be surrounded by awesome musicians, it really took my blues away. And then Devin Townsend did something, and I wish I had the opportunity to thank him personally for this. It was such a beautiful moment that I can almost feel tears welling in my eyes as I write this. He talked about how if you’ve ever been depressed, he understands, because he’s been there too, and so have many of his friends. And he told us that we should never give up, because life can still be wonderful, even though at times it really is one day after another of complete shit. And then, if I had the ability to cry at the time (fuck you toxic masculinity!), you can be sure I would have cried an ocean, because then, he performed a quiet, acoustic version of Spirits Will Collide, a song from Empath imploring people who are suffering from mental health issues, not to give up. And then, a man asked me could he get passed to the front, and I said yes, and he approached the stage and just said to Devin Townsend, “God bless you.” And while I had been not just a fan, but a huge fan, of Devin Townsend’s music for several years at that point, I think it was only in that moment that I truly understood how powerful his music is for people who are dealing with anxiety and depression. And I realized what a horrible mistake it would have been to not go to that concert, I’m sure I would have gotten out of my feelings of melancholy eventually, but it would have taken much, much longer if I hadn’t gone to this concert.
My mind was so broken on the morning before the concert, I don’t think anyone would have blamed me if I had just stayed at home. But, I am eternally grateful to whatever last morsel of energy got my as far as Dublin, because going to see Devin Townsend play was, without a doubt, one of the best experiences of my life.
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