There’s a quote from the Lethal Weapon films that has been in my head lately, even though I’ve never seen the films and I only know it through cultural osmosis. “I’m too old for this shit.” This phrase was said by Roger Murtaugh, played by Danny Glover, not sure of the context, as I said, cultural osmosis, but I think I kind of get it, I think I kind of get how that character felt. And it’s kind of apt, because when Danny Glover starred in the first Lethal Weapon film, he was 41, or at least that’s what age he was when the film was released, and I’m 37, so I’m coming up to the age, when I’m well and truly, too old for this shit.
When I was in my early twenties, in most respects, I had a lot more psychological problems, but in other ways, I was much less frightened. Once while staying in West Cork, I made the spontaneous decision to cycle to Kinsale and the Old Head Of Kinsale. I was very unfit, how was I going to do it? Didn’t know, wasn’t worried about it. Were there enough shops along the way for me to get food and water? Didn’t know, wasn’t worried about it. Would I be back before dark? Didn’t know, wasn’t worried about it. So this was a trip where I was so unfit I had to push the bike as opposed to cycle for quite a lot of it, and I was back well after dark, I didn’t get back till twelve at night. This all happened when I was 21. Now the thought of doing something like that again, fills me with terror, as in, if I thought I had to repeat such a journey, I would probably feel a lot of nausea, perhaps even I might be physically sick. There are no journeys like that anymore on the bike. Every conceivable detail is checked over and over again, and despite that, I’m often a ball of nerves before the trip begins. But on that trip, I checked nothing, and wasn’t anxious. What changed for me?
I remember also when I was 21, I was watching a Monty Python sketch, where Paris was briefly mentioned, and I decided, “I’m going to Paris!” there and then. It wasn’t long before I had gone down to the travel agent and booked the trip. Now, there is an important detail to mention, I was very sick before that trip, and it was years later before I realized that was because my anxiety had been acting up, but I did go on the trip, and everything went fine. But I haven’t been out of the country since I was 24, and the thought of going to another country now is absolutely terrifying. I made my peace a long time ago with the fact that I will never leave this country again.
But what scares me now is it feels like my anxiety is now closing in on my ability to travel within Ireland. Going to other countries? Yeah, I can give that up, and it’s okay. But the thought of never seeing the Knockmealdown Mountains again, or Sheep’s Head again, or various other places that I have not been to within this country, that scares me. But the thought of sleeping anywhere except the house where I live fills me with absolute dread. So what’s going on?
I thought the anxiety would leave me as I got older. I was told that in fact, that as you get older, I can’t remember what I was told, something about perspective I guess, but I was told these feelings would leave me as I got older. But, they’re worse than when I was younger, at least the travel anxiety is.
Has My Anxiety Gotten Worse Or Simply Changed?
It is important to note that I have done many things that I would have been terrified to do when I was much younger. I have performed in front of people. I have sang in front of people. I’m releasing my own albums now, on one that’s coming out God knows when I actually sing on it. And I’ve not only realized I’m autistic but I’ve also embraced it, I even talk about it on this very blog. So, I definitely wouldn’t go back to my previous state of anxiety, where I could travel more freely but I didn’t even know who I was and I couldn’t make music like I do now. Things were worse back then. But it still raises the question, why is it getting harder and harder to travel?
Covid
Covid had a strange effect on me, not getting Covid, I was asymptomatic and I was fine. But the two years where our lives changed in ways we never thought possible. We spent most of that time never leaving our own houses. I spent a lot of time working on my music during that time, that’s the time when I got to the point where I could sing in front of other people (over Zoom of course, and not actually over Zoom, I’m using Zoom as a generic word for whatever it is we actually used because I couldn’t be bothered getting my brain to remember what system we actually used.) So, I worked a lot on my anxiety issues over Covid, but, the house I live in really started to feel like a protector during that time. It was keeping me safe from the horrible disease that was outside! The house I live in, felt like this security blanket that would always keep me safe. Why would I want to stay in another house or building? Don’t get me wrong, I go on days trips still, went to the Nagle mountains yesterday in fact, but this feeling I developed during Covid that my house is keeping me safe is a very strong feeling, and I don’t know will it ever leave me.
Realizing the Anxiety Symptoms Will Probably Never Stop
I remember getting very good at dealing with anxiety symptoms. If your legs feel like jelly, stand on one leg, then you’ll know your legs aren’t actually going to give way. If you hyperventilate, do some breathing exercises. If you’re feeling anxious in general, get some fresh air and exercise. But back then, I was thinking of it in terms of dealing with this particular anxiety flare up, not future ones. Now I’m thinking, “I will still be dealing with this when I’m 40, or 50, or 60, or 70.” As my body gets weaker as I get older, I don’t want to on top of that deal with a body that constantly goes into a severe panic attack for barely any reason at all.
And There’s The Fact That I’m “Supposed To” Be Able to Deal With This Stuff By Now
And on top of all of this, I’ve got my brain constantly telling me, “You’re 37 years old, almost 40, why can’t you deal with any of this stuff by now!” So with this stuff getting harder, and both my own perception and a societal perception that this stuff should be getting easier, that really compounds matters. Let’s say I did travel and I ran into trouble and needed help, with something very basic. People might be more understanding if I was 19 or 20, how would people react if they saw a man close to 40 who had gone to pieces over something that they view as trivial? I worry about this a lot. Could I simply explain that I’m autistic and need more assistance? This could lead to one of two responses, one being “You’re not autistic”, the other being, “Why did you even travel if you knew you’d run into such difficulties?” I hope people will understand, but what if they don’t?
So What Is My Conclusion?
Not a very optimistic post this week I’m afraid! I think I have two goals in writing this. The first goal is, as always, I hope if anyone else is dealing with similar feelings, I hope this helps in some small way. The second is, I’m only now really starting to deal with, “getting older” and still being an extremely anxious person. I don’t hear much discussion on this topic. Maybe there’s an assumption that people, “grow out of it”. Or maybe, as we now live in an age where anxieties disorders and being neurodivergent is more talked about, maybe people of my generation, people born in the eighties, will be the first to really talk about what it’s like to have bad anxiety at an older age. Or maybe it’s because people of our age, are older, but not yet that old, that is the reason people find it hard to understand. We’re too young to have to worry about things like retirement or pensions, we also don’t necessarily have the same problems as people who are in their twenties, but holy shit, is being in my late thirties a massive nuclear explosion of anxiety! So, let this be the rallying cry of my generation of fellow people with an anxiety disorder, “I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT!”
Ponderings Of An Autist 