So given the night that it is, I have been entertaining the idea of doing a blogpost about horror films, and why I like them despite being an anxious person. But, something may have changed in that regard. Let me explain.
So, usually on Halloween night I’ll do something Halloween related, by which I mean anything that doesn’t involve leaving the house, so usually a horror film. So I did just that, put on a horror film for me to watch. At first it was okay, I was enjoying the plot, but then, something started to go wrong. I was finding the violence to be, just a bit too much for me to take. This came as a surprise to me because horror films are something I’m used to. Even if I find the violence gratiouitus and not really serving the plot, I just think it’s a shit film, I don’t really get upset typically. But this was different. I had to turn off the film because I became so anxious I couldn’t take another minute of it. (I’ve decided not to describe the contents of the film incase it causes anyone reading this to have a similar anxious reaction.) So what happened? Has my temperment changed? Do I no longer like horror films? I honestly don’t know, and I think I won’t know for a while, but I’ll probably be avoiding horror films for the foreseeable future.
But what I’d like to talk about is what I think drew me to horror films in the first place. While this film obviously was the wrong film for me to watch, this was not the case in the past, and it’s something not everyone understands very well. If I talk about having anxious thoughts, and I also talk about how I watch horror films, I’ll often get the answer, “Well no wonder you’re anxious.” But that’s not the case. I was anxious to begin with, and the horror films were helping me, which is why I was watching them.
For people with anxiety disorders, the world is a scary place. A world full of “coulds”. I could get a terrible disease, I could get a terrible injury, I could lose someone I care about, or I myself could die. I’m hit by an avalanche of “coulds” every day.
And my need for sameness means that I worry about things that I understand on an intellectual level are perfectly survivable issues. My routine will change at various times next month, and the month after that, and the month after that. Any of the things that are an important part of maintaining my normal routine, such as my laptop, or my bike, could break, and maybe I won’t have the money to replace them. It’s like Murphy’s law, “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong,” is playing in my head, over and over again, and it’s very hard to get it to stop.
So, where do horror films come into all this? It’s simple. It is very very calming and therapeautic, to see a horrible event, that will never, ever happen to me. I will never be attacked by zombies. Solving a puzzle box will never summon a group of extra dimensional beings that make me say, “Shit, I really shouldn’t have solved that puzzle box.” I will never be attacked by Sam Neill after he, eh, is possessed after boarding a ship that went to another universe of pure evil, it’s been a while since I saw that one to be honest.
So this is why horror films have been such a comfort to me for so many years. The vast, vast, vast majority of things that the human mind can imagine, will never happen to me. No zombies, no cenobites, no eh, whatever Event Horizon was about, there is an infinite universe of things that cannot happen to me. And thinking about the fact that I am safe from pretty much anything the human mind can imagine, is really, really comforting. There have been many times when I have watched a horror film, and felt really, really good after it.
So maybe my relationship with horror films has changed now. Instead of helping my anxiety, maybe they will make it worse. But for many years they provided a great comfort, that I’m still really greatful for.
So my Halloween plans were derailed by anxiety. But I have a better idea. I’ll watch The Simpsons, Treehouse of Horror V, it’s a classic, the one with the time travelling toaster. Good times!
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